BAGHDAD, Iraq - In what's being heralded as the coalition's greatest success in combatting the insurgency in Iraq since the fall of Saddam, US marines and Iraqi army personnel crackdown hard on a Halloween terrorist cell inside the volatile country and reaped results.
The Iraqi Ministry of Defence confirmed that 63 year old, Mrs Yatabtab WaDalla from 193 Camel Street, Baghdadistan, Baghdad, was arrested in connection with conspiring to violate the no fly zone.
Private Pat PattyCake of the 4th Armoured Division explained how the operation began: "We first noticed the suspect during preparations for our Halloween party back at the base. She came in and suspiciously reached for the broom in the corner. Naturally figuring it was Halloween and all, we suspected she was a witch. We let our superior officer know and he said he would look into it. Like most of our other war on terror operations, we decided to rigorously pursue this "witch hunt" . . . except this time . . .we thought we actually had a witch . . . usually we just chase after our tails . . . or mailmen."
Intelligence reports suggested that the woman was in fact a witch, and that her innocent sweeping up was actually intended to be a cover for her true motives, to commandeer the broom, and to pilot it above the skies above Baghdad, in order to violate the no-fly zone.
A Whitehouse spokesman confirmed "We just could not allow that. No-fly zones above Baghdad are there to protect the people of the United States. I mean today, we let a witch fly across the no-fly zone and tomorrow everyone will be wanting to do it. Before we know it al-Qaeda will be running our schools hospitals, maybe even our dental surgeries. Is that what you want?"
The intelligence hinged on two key identifying factors : the broom, her black clothing, and her nose.
When questioned on whether it could be possible that Mrs WaDalla's black clothing was nothing more than a black abaya, the traditional outergarments worn by Iraqi women, a spokesman for CTU Los Angeles, Jack Bauer said: "Yes that's possible, but just take a look at her nose. Tell me that's not a witch's nose. I based my decision to go ahead with the operation based on the size of her nose, and the White House backed me up on that decision, 118%."
Professor Nigel Naselbaum of the Harvard Technological Institute of Nasal Excellence confirmed the intelligence conclusions, pointing to secret X-rays taken by satellite of Mrs Yatabtab WaDalla. "Here we can see the nasal cavities are huge and airy. This allows for greater oxygen to enter the bloodstream, nourishing the cerebral cortex and stdies have shown that this can lead to encouraging feelings of terrorism."
"The declination across the bridge area, giving it what might be referred to as a "hook nose" appearance, merely confirms without a doubt that Mrs WaDalla was more likely to be a member of an al-Qaeda sleeper cell."
A neighbour, Miss Katyousha Camelhoof who lives on the same street as Mrs WaDalla was shocked and suprised at the revelation that the apparently "sweet old lady" was the al-Qaeda number 2 in Iraq. "I mean yeah, I'm totally shocked, yeah. I mean she's been doing cleaning jobs for nearly 45 years now. I don't know what would have possessed her to start weaponising her broom like that, all of a sudden. I mean you think you know someone your whole life, then they turn out to be an al-Qaeda commander."
Critics said that Mrs WaDalla was victimised for being dressed in black and possessing what many have called a rather unsightly hooknose. It later emerged that the strange chanting of witches spell that Mrs WaDalla was engaged in was actually a recitation of the Quran, the book that Iraqis traditionally read to ward of evil spirits around Halloween time.
US General Tommy Franks later apologised on behalf of the US for the inconvenience caused to Mrs WaDalla saying "It was an honest mistake. When you're up against a battle hardened enemy who is willing to die for their beliefs, and then you're faced with a hooknosed lady dressed in black sweeping up with a broom, its natural to assume she was a witch operating for al-Qaeda. In this particular instance we were wrong, but look at her nose for Christ's sake!"
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Posted by Jamroll at 5:11 AM