Friday, December 15, 2006

Somalian Islamists Reject al-Qaeda Link


Mogadishu, SOMALIA - Somalia's most powerful Islamist group, the UIC (Union of Islamic Courts) today dismissed US claims of links to al-Qaeda.

At a press conference earlier this week President Bush delivered his verdict on the situation, by saying "We will protect the American people from those who wish to harm us. The Bin Ladens, the Saddam Husseins, the Zarqawis, and these... these... who is it this time, Condy? Oh yeah, them Africans. Wait, I thought we dealt with them during the whole Katrina thing... *pauses* Well, whoever they are, we're gonna smoke 'em out of their holes, bomb their evil land with shock and... what'd Rummy used to say... anyway, we'll do that, and then give them freedom and democracy. The U.S. people are safe in my hands. Yee-haw!" *shoots gun in air*

US Assistant Secretary of State Jendayi Frazer expanded on the White House's well-structured and eloquent comments, and claimed the country had been hijacked by radical elements, and cited various examples of Islamic brutality: "Well, there's clearly a problem there. People are not living in freedom and democracy. For instance, there's the whole issue of being beheaded after 3 days for not praying, people are regularly beaten if they dare to leave the mosque without permission from the evil regime; women are brutalised for attending schools; and children are being put in enforced labor camps at an age when most kids in the West are attending kindergarten."

A spokesman from the UIC chairman's office, Abu Abu Abu Tiktik, responded to the claims: "We are totally baffled by these crazy talks. We are bringing peace and security after many many years of bloodshed and violence, and the Bush regime is trying to derail this. I will tell you, we do not behead people for not praying. Yes we have the death penalty for certain crimes in our country, like murder and rape, but so does America. You have the injection of lethality. We are a new government, we are a poor country, we cannot afford this injections of lethality. We have to use other methods available to us."

When asked to comment on people being beaten for leaving the mosque early, Abu Abu Abu Tiktik chuckled and said: "Oh that. Lol. Oh that was just Baba Abba. It's a funny story really. He broke his wudhu (state of ritual purity) when he kneeled down and broke wind. He rushed out of the prayer hall to wash, but in his haste he tripped over the guy prostating behind him, and knocked heads with another guy, so he developed a nose bleed. He rushed out trying to stop the blood dripping onto the prayer hall floor, but he wasn't paying attention and he ran straight into a nearby tree with low hanging branches. It knocked him out cold. It was like... what you call it... the Laurels and Hardys show. you should have been there."

According to the spokeman, just at that moment, a CNN news crew was passing by, and seeing the injured man lying on the floor in the front of the mosque, reported that he'd been beaten for leaving the mosque early.

As for the women being restricted from attending schools: "Oh, yes, there were some women, and those women were reprimanded for attending school. We assessed their academic skills, and we told them they needed to go to university, because they had the ability, and because places were needed for the new intake of 6-8 year olds. But some of them didn't understand, and one of them got quite upset because she had been the school milk monitor for a couple of years, and was very attached to that, so we had to usher them out." Coincidentally a Fox News team who were embedded in the UN Milk Float which was delivering milk to the school at the time, saw the humdrum and reported it as women being prohibited from access to education. "Oh, no, no nothing like that," insisted Abu Abu Abu Tiktik. "Go to the univerisity if you don't believe. The former milk monitor is now the sheesha monitor at the university."

The State Department claimed that children of pre-school age were put into enforced labor camps. What did the UIC have to say about that? "Yes. Yes, this is true. Very young children are put into labor camps. And we are very troubled by this. However, the reality is that these children have been taken as part of the World Bank's program to utilise the children's small fingers in producing miniature buttons on designer fashion label clothes. They are there under U.N. custody. Unfortunately at this time. We have no control over that."

This was put to a White House spokesperson, who said: "Ah. Oh right. Yeah, about that... but you see... those children are extremists, and actually have links to al-Qaeda, and sure, they might be working 14 hours a day on sewing buttons onto designer jackets, but we've found this is a valid interrogation technique in line with the Geneva Convention. We're protecting the American people from these children."

The so-called national government lead by the CIA-fundeded "Alliance for the Restoration of Peace and Counter-Terrorism ("ARPCT") complains that the UIC was supporting terrorism by providing stability to the country through such activities as: re-opening Mogadishu Airport and Seaport after being close for almost a decade, fighting pirates that were preventing food aid from coming into the country, opposing the destruction of the environment, and banning the use of narcotic substances. "Making Somalia safe goes against its long history of instability. Their actions are so out of the ordinary, that they MUST be terrorism."



2 comments:

Mujahideen Ryder said...

nice one man!

Jinnzaman said...

It would've been awesome if we had some videos to go along with it.

Great job Jammy. You're bringing sexii back.