Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Mox News needs you!

Who Should Be The Eidh Mascot?


Every religion has its fair share of symbols and personas. Christmas has Santa Clause, Hannukah is represented by a menorah, Easter has the Easter Bunny, and so on and so forth. If Eidh, the Muslim holiday, had a mascot, who would it be?

We've come up with three potential candidates for this position. Based on YOUR votes, we're going to pick an official Eidh mascot. The winner for this poll will be announced on Monday January 1st.

Send this post to your friends and family so they can vote too by sending them our permalink.

The mascot that receives the most votes will be featured in the upcoming film "Gandaghee 2."




Who should be this years Eidh Mascot?
A. Money Man
B. Three Hugs
C. Uncle Clause
D. Other (offer your suggestion in the article comment box)



Cast your vote for the Mox News Eidh Mascot 2006! Use your vote wisely as there can be only one!

-Ali

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Seasons Greetings

Dear Mox News Readers,

Seasons greetings and happy holidays.

Sincerely,

Santa Clause
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba

PS: Don't carry suspicious packages when travelling or you'll end up like me.


Monday, December 18, 2006

Conference on Denial of “Holocaust Denial Conference”

CHISINAU, MoldovaWhite supremacists, anti-Zionist orthodox Jews, and hardliner Iranians were angered by an announcement earlier today by the Prime Minister of Moldova that his country will be hosting a conference inquiring whether the Holocaust Denial Conference hosted in Iran last week ever happened. Mr. Vasile Tarley, the head of state of the obscure eastern European country located next to Ukraine, hailed the conference as a landmark event in history that will culminate in the dissolution of Denial Conferences in the fashion of the Soviet Union. “I am quite aware of the amount of controversy that this will generate in certain intellectual circles, but there is no conclusive evidence that this so-called ‘Holocaust Denial Conference’ ever occurred. Once we’ve exposed this glaring historical farces, Denial Conferences will finally come to an end! . . . Unless of course, we choose to host some more of our own Denial Conferences on Denial Conferences. That’s okay though, because it’s not really a Denial Conference . . . it’s a double-negative you see . . . it makes perfect sense if you look at this flow chart,” he stammered.

A clearly agitated reporter from Iran hammered the Prime Minister with questions. “What do you mean there was no conference? I was there! I wrote articles that were published in at least twelve different newspapers!” he blurted out incredulously.

Mr. Tarley dismissed these claims and many others immediately, scoffing “These are all fabrications. This conference was nothing but a hoax. Those articles were nothing but a hoax. In fact, YOU’RE nothing but a hoax!” He proceeded to close his eyes, cross his arms across his chest, and began chanting “You’re not really here. You’re not really here. Na-na-na-boo-boo. I don’t see you.”

The adamant reporter refused to give up and held up pictures that showed him at the conference along with Iranian President Ahmedinajad. He said “Look at these! I was totally there! I got freaking wasted there!” The picture showed a young man passed out on the floor with the words “I'm extremely gay" written across his forehead along with a mustache and goatee drawn in permanent black marker.

The Prime Minister persisted in his state of denial “Those pictures look fake, they’re probably photoshopped. That’s not even Ahmedinajad. That could be anybody. If you fold the picture in half, then flip it upside down, the image gets subverted into the twin towers burning. There was never an “Ahmedinajad” nor was their ever a conference! Free your mind. There is no spoon!”

In addition to well-known Israelis and Americans who desire tough sanctions against Iran for its nuclear weapons development program, the conference is expected to attract an awkward crowd of misfits such as Iranians who denied that the conference occurred even though they personally attended it. The conference will also be attended by 15th century Spanish conquistadors who will go so far as to declare that Iran itself does not exist. Their leader, a man named Christopher Columbus was earlier reported to have created a group on the popular networking website Facebook called “We’ve Discovered The New World!” which contained the following statement: “For many a year, our sturdy ships were checked across the seas by the dastardly Turks and were denied our Christian right to India’s spice routes. By the mercy of the Lord, after months of sailing on unknown rough waters, we came across this fair land and intend to colonize it for our Noble King and his Fair Queen. For glory, God, and gold, I say.”

Colin Powell will be attending the second day of the conference, but his concern is not whether the Holocaust Denial Conference occurred, but merely to reiterate his earlier opinion that Saddam Hussein still has weapons of mass destruction. In a special phone interview with Mox News Flash, he told us “I stand by my presentation at the United Nations several years ago. Even though these so-called weapons experts claim that there are no weapons of mass destruction, we know they’re there. I have an insider source who told me it was Colonel Mustard, in the Kitchen, with a WMD. All we need to do is locate this Colonel Mustard character and find his kitchen, and we’re guaranteed to find these missing WMD’s.”

We tried contacting Mr. Ahmedinijad from Iran, but we were told he was too busy working on a counter-denial conference of the Denial Conference on Iran’s Holocaust Denial Conference.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Shaikhs On a Plane!


MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota - US Airways was pleased to announce that six Muslim Imams have won a secret lottery prize today. Joe Goebbels, spokesman for the airlines, read an official statement from the company where he announced that six, count them six, Muslim imams were lucky enough to win a secret racial raffle. The statement declared that the Imams had not been pulled off the flight because they were flying while Muslim, but because each one of them had won a secret and completely random raffle game and it was out of sheer coincidence that all of the winners of this “special lottery” were Muslim.

Mr. Goebbels said “I was really excited when we found out that all six winners of our secret raffle were Muslim. Muslims are often racially profiled at airports by bigoted scumbags who can’t tell the difference between terrorists and moderates. This prize will do a great job at telling the world that US Airways does not condone racism and bigotry in any way, shape, or form. Seriously though, those people who engage in racial profiling of Muslims based on nothing but physical appearances and misinterpreting practices such as prayers are complete morons. We strongly feel that only idiots with brains the size of peas would do such a thing.” Mr. Goebbels passionately began criticizing those that engage in such practices “Damn, what kind of lamoid tools could possibly even think of engaging in such blatant stereotyping? I can’t fathom how such people could be so narrow-minded and stupid to make such generalized conclusions about the adherents to a faith that has over 1,600,000,000 devotees, that’s one in six people on the face of the earth folks! In fact, perhaps the reason why all of the winners of our secret raffle were Muslim is because there are so many friggen Muslims in the world! It just boggles the mind how people could take the actions of a few thousand terrorists and apply them to over 1,600,000,000 Muslims! That’s less than 1% for crying out loud!!! Man, am I glad that our company isn’t retarded like that and would NEVER EVER even CONTEMPLATE engaging in such gross violations of human rights for a people that make up a huge portion of the human race and have made contributions in every single field of knowledge, including, but not limited to astronomy, mathematics, physics, philosophy, navigation, literature, sociology, and economics. Man, that stuff pisses me off.” Visibly shaken for his sympathies of a minority that has been targeted and abused, Mr. Goebels paused for a moment to contain his emotions before continuing. “I can’t believe some people misinterpreted our actions as being based on race and religion.” He rolled his eyes as he continued “Only a completely competent and drug-free mind would come up with such a dumb conclusion.”

The winners of this purported “secret special raffle” were lucky enough to be the first picks for a “secret special draft”. The Imams were not going to be drafted as players for a famous Minnesota basketball team, but drafted as members of forced conscription thanks to a bill recently introduced into Congress by Senator Rangel from New York. The six imams were pulled off of US Airways Flight 300 and won an all expense paid trip to fight in the front lines of wars that will be fought all over the world by the newly formed “We’re Not Being Imperialist, We Really Care About You And Your Pet Turtles” Peace Corps. The imams received stunningly gorgeous orange jumper suits designed by Armani with matching designer head hoods that were specially made by Tommy Hilfiger.

Incredulous reporters had a hard time swallowing US Airway’s claim that they did not engage in racial profiling and queried whether the decision to take the imams off the flight had anything to do with a note that was written by a paranoid passenger. The passenger purportedly stood up after watching the Imams praying and shouted “I am sick and tired of these mother****ing Sheikhs on this mother****ing plane” and stormed to the front of the plane and handed a note to an air hostess. The note from a passenger read: “2-6 suspicious Arabic men on place. All were together, saying ‘. . . Allah . . . Allah . . .’ cursing U.S. involvement w/Saddam before flight. P.S. would you like to go on a date with me?” The air hostess responded by ejecting the passenger from the plane and into the nearby ocean, where he was promptly torn apart by man-eating sharks all the while yelling “They ate me! The ****ing sharks ate me!” Allegedly, the air hostess proceeded to inform the captain of the note who directed the men to be kept off the plane.

The spokesman for US Airways guffawed “Oh that little note! Well, we can’t deny that they were Arabics. These guys were clearly made up of 28 letters that perfectly represented guttural sounds and occasionally needed a fathah, kasrah, and dhamma for clarification . . . of course they were Arabic! And what’s up with this all this ‘Allah Allah Allah’?” I’m not trying to be a racist bigot, but that’s un-American. If the founding fathers wanted this country to worship Allah, they would’ve written it into the Bible. We’re not engaging in stereotypes of Muslims, we hate all Muslims equally! That’s why we kicked them off the plane . . . err . . . I mean they were so lucky to have won that raffle! Ha. Ha. . . .Crap.” Pausing in the middle of his response, he blinked twice, ran away from the podium, dived into a plane, flew off, and was never seen again.

The Imams themselves could not be reached for comment because their mouths were muffled by their designer head hoods.

New Line Cinema has made a deal with US airways to document the incident in a movie entitled “Shaikhs On a Plane.”