German Court Upholds Ban on Religious Symbols . . . But Not Really

BAVARIA, Germany – Over the recent years, many academics and journalists raised concerns over how Muslim minorities will affect the cultural integrity of Europe. Many books and articles have been written arguing that the increase in Europe’s indigenous Muslim population, fuelled by conversion and immigration, would ultimately lead to Islamicization resulting in “Eurabia”, “Euro-shari’ah”, “Londonistan,” or, my favorite, “The Axis of Evil Men that are oblivious to the Biryani embedded in their Beards.”

For the first time in history, Europeans have redirected their racial hatred from all things American to all things Muslim who are supposedly responsible for overpopulation, stealing jobs, increasing crime, and, more suspiciously, leaving mysterious flower pots at restrooms all across their respective countries.

No single issue has been more contentious then the donning of the hijab by Muslim women. The controversy began in the late 1980s when France decided to ban the hijab in public schools. The issue flared up again last October when Jack Straw, a leading official within Tony Blair’s government, called upon Muslim women to abandon extremism and “integrate” into British society by taking off their veils.

Germany joined in on the fray last week when the highest appellate court in Bavaria ruled that it was not unconstitutional for German states to ban religious symbols in public schools. Therefore, the court held, it was unlawful for Muslim women to wear headscarves while teaching in public schools, although the laws created exemptions for robes worn by Catholic nuns and skull caps worn by Orthodox Jews because they were “Occidental.” Judge Huber began his ruling by shouting “West Side” and making a gang symbol with his fingers before arguing that legislators could ban the hijab in order to promote gender equality and integration. He said “There’s no discrimination in these laws! The Muslims are separate, but still equal! There’s nothing more German than to single people out for discrimination by the law. What better way to incorporate Muslims into German society than by segregating them and making them dress differently from people of other faiths? Maybe we can make them wear special symbols such as armbands stating whether they’re integrated or not. That’s a great idea! I’m surprised no German has thought of this before!” He paused for a moment to ask himself “Or have they?” as he stroked his toothbrush mustache.

The judge’s sentiments were approved by many Germans such as Christoph Kannengiesser, the Deputy Secretary General of Konrad Adenauer Foundation, who said that "We must not allow Muslim women to separate themselves from German society. We have to work harder to integrate them and the women also have to be willing to integrate.” Mr. Kannengiesser proceeded to explain his brilliant program for integrating Muslims. “This is a big problem that must be addressed immediately. The best solution for this integration debacle is to create special integration camps. This shouldn’t be too hard; we’re Germans. We have plenty of experience building ‘special integration camps.’ Haha. That’s an inside joke. Okay, not really, but still. Anyhow, I’ve developed a special test for determining if Muslims are integrated or not. First, we can tie stones around them and throw them into a body of water such as a river. If they float to the top, then they’re not integrated and we’ll burn them at stake. If they sink and drown, that means they’re integrated. It’s a great idea! It worked on integrating witches into European culture, didn’t it?”

Muslim women have not given up the fight to wear the veil. They have proposed a new design for a veil that may be more “in line” with the Occidental values espoused by the court.