ISNA Switches to Calculations for Matrimonial Services

CHICAGO, Illinois – The Islamic Society of Nothing Accomplished (ISNA) announced today that it would utilize its infamous “calculation method” for its matrimonial services. The “calculation method” first appeared last Ramadhan when ISNA issued a press conference and expressed its concern about the rising trend of Muslim unity and vowed to do everything in its non-existent power to stop it. A committee was formed which consisted of various Muslim intellectuals, scholars, and scientists, all of whom had advanced degrees in Uncle-ology. The committee formulated a very simple step by step program for determining the “sighting” of the moon to commence the beginning of the holy month:

Step 1: Find the Qu’ran and Sunnah

Step 2: Completely ignore it

Step 3: Use an 8-Ball to do Istikharah

Step 4: If the moon is actually sighted, accuse the people who sighted the moon of causing fitnah and causing fitnah is wrong because only ISNA has the exclusive right to cause fitnah.

The calculations which resulted from the formula created massive chaos all across North America as various communities were torn apart over whether to follow the Traditional method of moon-sighting as described in the Qur’an and Sunnah or to follow ISNA. Some Muslims opted to follow Saudi Arabia, which goes against the Qur’an, Sunnah, and what the magical 8-Ball told ISNA. The ensuing fighting that erupted in Muslim communities was so shocking that Sunnis and Shi’is in Iraq had to stop from their daily slaughter of each other to issue condemnations of ISNA’s policy. Adding to the confusion is the fact that some people are still waiting for the moon to be sighted.

After the chaos of the moon-sighting debacle, ISNA went back to work planning ways to destroy whatever vestige of Muslim unity remained. The committee of Uncleologists went back to work for two weeks straight and decided that they had a new way of applying the moon-sighting calculation. They hypothesized that the failure of the moon sighting (-1) multiplied with the failure of its matrimonial services (-1) would equal a positive success (+1) and thus redeem ISNA from its previous flops. With the frothing excitement of a crack addict visiting Baltimore, they proceeded to revamp their matrimonial services by abandoning the classical “sighting” method. For the purposes of marriage, the sighting method is actually two equally valid methods: local sighting and global sighting. Local sighting is based on an in individual observation of a potential rishta.

Under this method, potential spouses were judged on how close they resembled an albino.

The ideal spouse would be someone who was so white that they were actually transparent. The global sighting method looks at a potential rishta based on their country of origin. Under this method, young Muslims make their decision to marry someone based solely on the country of origin. Of course, such a method almost always devolves into inbreeding since people end up marrying their cousins. This might explain why all Punjabis look alike. Or at least why they have big noses. Or it could be because they genetically evolved large noses in order to steal the white man’s air, in which case we salute them.

The sighting method is not without its downsides. It has been directly attributed to an increase in blood pressure and celibacy in Muslim youth. One anonymous practitioner of the sighting method said “Matrimonial meetings with aunties suck. They look you up and down like you’re a slab of meat. I can’t be judgmental about others while aunties are judging me! It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever been through."

The moonsighting committee had its name changed to “F-1” for some reason that we still aren’t able to deduce. The committee incorporated immigrant Muslim computer scientists and mathematicians who were sick and tired of being rejected from American Muslim women who wouldn’t marry them using the “sighting” method because they looked, and smelled (mostly smelled) like fobs.

The calculation method is rather simple:

1. If applicant is a doctor, Rishta score = Infinite Points
2. If applicant works in IFSM, Rishta score = 4,000
3. If applicant has an MBA, Rishta score = 300 (Sliding scale based on automobile brand)
4. If applicant is a liberal arts major, Rishta score = -2930
5. If applicant is a political science major, Rishta score = Astaghfirallah! (Go to al-Fatihah, go directly to al-Fatihah. You do not go to Masjid. You do not get Nikkah.)

ISNA plans on implementing its marriage calculation method into a computer program entitled Microsoft Shaadi V. 1.3. Like all other Microsoft programs, it is expected to fail almost immediately, just like every other attempt by ISNA to do something productive.

In conclusion, we advise the Muslim youth to stay away from the lobby scene and the matrimonial services that are being propagated by ISNA. In fact, we advise you to stay away from ISNA altogether. Load up on as much garlic, wooden stakes, and silver bullets as your monthly allowance can afford. In the event of an ISNA representative coming your way, immediately call the UCPD and tell them that there are Muslims in the library again. It'll be like the running of the bulls . . . except instead of bulls . . . you'll have cops . . . with tazers . . . and the singing flesh of ISNA. Remember, only you can prevent fitnah fires.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving from The Mox News Flash.

PS: Don't die, you crazy, crazy shoppers!

Shootings, Murders, Genocide Occur as Wii Becomes Available in the U.S.

In what has been termed the “greatest rise in criminal activity since the Prohibition”, Americans woke up
yesterday to a bloodbath all across the country following the release of Nintendo’s new gaming system, the Wii. This year, fanatical gamers came to department stores a few days early and set up camp. In their little makeshift tents, they stocked up on potato chips and red bull and spent their time worshipping robotic deities, begging them to expedite the coming of the game system that would save humanity by turning it into a bunch of mindless zombies. All was quiet on the Eastern front . . . until the games were released. That’s when all hell broke loose. Various gangs fell upon the seemingly unsuspecting gamers to steal their lunch money, give them wedgies, and snatch Wii’s wherever they could be found. Not all gamers submitted to such humiliation and, instead, put up a stiff resistance. One gamer went berserk and began knifing everyone around him within a 1 mile radius in the city of brotherly love, Philadelphia. Since he ended up killing a good deal of the population off, the homicide rate actually went down for change.

Even the watchful eye of the Best Buy mercenary team known as the “Geek Squad”, which was armed to the teeth with donuts, snazzy VW Beetles, and iPods, wasn't enough to prevent many people from being robbed by seedy toddlers and 30-year old unemployed fat men. Nintendo spokesman, Mary E. O lamented at these activities saying “If paramilitary nerd troupes are not enough to prevent these types of activities, we’ll have no choice but to call in a more intimidating military force. I’m thinking . . . UCPD . . . armed with Wii wand tazers.” Apparently, no one informed her that UCPD was already on the scene of many of the robberies . . . tazering people and stealing their Wiis then asking them to stand up and when they couldn’t because they were dead, they tazered them again.

The situation appalled the international community to such an extent that the United Nations set up refugee camps at Best Buys and Circuit City’s. Kofi Annan could not be reached for comment because he was too busy wildly gyrating his hands which were firmly clasped to two Wii wands in an effort to beat Hans Blitz’s highest score in a game developed by O.J. Simpson entitled “If I Did It” which is a game where players can assume various murderers in history who supposedly didn’t murder people, but if they did, they would’ve done it by stabbing them to death, hiding the bodies, fleeing from the police in a white Ford Bronco, confessing to the murder, and having their “dream team” of lawyers find loopholes in the justice system to get them out scot-free.

Perhaps the biggest let down of the entire slaughter was the Wii system itself. Gamers learned the hard way that Wii nunchucks weren’t effective against real nunchucks and real fists. They soon discovered that the wands only worked against bullets if they got the memory packs which won’t be released until 2012, when Nintendo finishes building its newest gaming system powered by nuclear energy.

In Palestine, protestors formed huge chains of human shields to protect their radical Islamist gamers from having their Wii systems stolen by Israeli helicopters. Those news stations that mistakenly reported the Israeli incursion as a legitimate attack against suspected terrorists apologized for their error and admitted that they were all working for the Zionist plot to control the world.

Universe Implodes: Or Maybe That Was Just Your Head

EVERYWHERE, USA - Many people woke up on Wednesday morning expecting some degree of normality, but would soon to discover a series of fortunate events. Socks were found matching without holes, Bill O’Reilly converted to Islam, women actually started making sense in arguments about relationships; just a few of the bizarre indicators that something strange was afoot in the cosmos. As the day progressed, a smorgasbord of unexpected events unfolded.

First and foremost in this never-ending list of Microsoft upgrades to the Universe was the violent coup d’etat in the US legislature by the Democratic Party. Armed with votes that were still sizzling from the ballots and with absolutely no idea what the hell they were doing, the Democrats breached the Capitol’s perimeter on a gigantic pirate ship. They had their baseball caps turned to the sides and proudly displayed their flipped out depends and chanted “Guess whose back? Back again? Tell a friend.” But the Republicans weren’t going to go down quietly and put up a stiff resistance. In the beginning of their counter maneuver, they attacked the ideological footing of the Democrats by insisting their views would be supporting terrorists by engaging in this . . . how you say . . . “thinking process”. . . which they condemned as evil. When that failed to work, the Republicans drew out their secret weapon: Karl Rove. They fired the fattest man alive from the world’s biggest catapult and directly hit the Democrat’s pirate ship, sinking it and much of the free world, into the recesses of the Potomac. That wasn’t enough to stop the wave after wave of Democrats bravely putting their lives on line to fight for entry into the nation’s legislature. It was only a matter of time before the Republican army, consisting mostly of demons and girl scouts, caved in. The second they broke the Republican line, the Democrats began fighting over the booty: house and senate seats and those classy Corinthian-leather chairs. An air of sadness filled the country’s capital as the landscape revealed scores upon scores of bodies. Most of the dead apathetic young men who, when given the option by MTV to “Vote or Die”, chose the latter and performed mass ritual suicide in the streets.

The second indicator of massive change in the universe was the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Well, technically speaking, he didn’t resign, he was fired by President Bush since he’s the one who made the announcement. Mr. Bush stated that “A bigger, faster, stronger view” was needed to solve the innumerable debacles created by the Bush administration spanning the distance between Morocco and the outer rings of Saturn. The President praised Rumsfeld for his accomplishments during his term. “Donald, or Donald Duck as I like to call him, has done things that no other Secretary of Defense in American history has been able to accomplish. He’s brought our military into the 21^st century through his hyperbolic time chamber training device, he’s taught many soldiers the fusion dance which bares a resemblance to the Macarena, and he’s single handedly managed to piss off every single human being on the face of the Earth. That last one is a tremendous accomplishment because I set the bar kinda high there with my war on terror. The American people still respect him as a person and just want to be friends, but sort of wanna keep their options open and see other Secretary of Defenses, the younger, sexier kind.” The rest of his words were drowned in the din of munchkin protestors who sang “Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead!”

Another surprise was the election of America’s first Muslim congressman, Keith Ellison, who won a seat in the House of Representatives. Islamophobes responded by throwing a vicious temper tantrum until they got tired, sat down, began sucking on their thumbs and whimpering for their mommy’s. Glen Back, a card carrying member of the “I Hate Muslims Because I'm a Redneck” Party and, coincidentally, commentator on CNN, interviewed Representative Ellison and asked him “I’m not saying you’re a terrorist, but if you were a terrorist, would you be a terrorist?” Representative Ellison responded that he was not a terrorist, but was cut off by Glen Back who began shouting “I KNEW IT! YOU’RE TOTALLY A TERRORIST! ONLY A TERRORIST WOULD SAY THAT! YOU ADMITTED IT ON NATIONAL TV! DIE! DIE! DIEEEEE!” Representative Ellison never lost his cool and quietly said “I think I’m going to support the ‘Use of Federal Funds To Go Back in Time and Abort Glen Beck’ fund.” We here at the Mox News Flash congratulate Representative Ellison and scream like teenyboppers every time we hear his name and hope he will sign our beards.

In the midst of these universal revolutions, there is one thing that clearly hasn’t changed: the Redskins. They still suck. That’s the one universal constant. The universe might explode or something, but the Redskins will still be there . . . somehow . . . someway . . . still sucking . . .like they always do.

Bush Expands Definition of “Enemy Combatant”

Earlier this week at a press conference in Washington D.C., U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced that the federal operation known as “Falcon III” had successfully arrested over 20,000 fugitive felons. Federal agents nabbed 971 convicted sex offenders who had failed to register with local authorities, 364 gang members, 218 rappers, 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 17 Duke football players, 3 French hens, 2 turtle-doves, and a congressman stuck in a pear tree with an underage page. Mr. Gonzales praised the efforts of U.S. Marshals stating “We haven’t done such a mass round up of human beings since the Nazis!” He proceeded to give them all two thumbs up. Roger Ebert, ululated in his native tongue and gave it two blubbery appendages down. The Attorney General shot him with a tazer and said “Alright folks, lets get these guys some soap and vaseline and send them on their merry way. Andale! Arriba! Arriba!”

Civil rights organizations all across the country immediately began scrutinizing the list, termed "The Schindler's List", for human rights violations. John Babbit, the Executive Director of Human Rights Watch, made a stunning finding. In a phone interview, he explained his discovery. “I obtained a copy of the list of fugitive felons from the Justice Department and began making rounds to the various prisons which were housing the arrestees when I noticed an ancient parched document being used as toilet paper. On closer inspection, I was shocked to discover that this document was the Constitution! I immediately called up Attorney General Gonzales and demanded an explanation. He told me that President Bush was going to address this issue later tonight.”

Later in the evening, the President indeed appeared. “My fellow Americans, tonight I come before you to explain some recent actions that I as dictator-for-life, I mean Commandante-in-Chief, have taken. Recently, it has come to my attention that the Constitution contains this little clause in the 4^th, 5^th, and 6^th amendments that have come to be termed as . . . how you say . . . 'due process'. Although this due process might seem rather innocent at a first glance, my dashing powers of perception have found out . . . that they give people certain rights! Things like . . . right against self-incriminalization, right to an attorney, right to a fair trial, and so on. What’s worse is that the Constitution has been giving these so-called 'rights' to Terra-ists which is definitely 'aiding and abetting' them. It is for this reason that I am sending the Constitution to Guantanamo Bay as a 'combatant’s enema'.” He paused for a moment as a secret security agent quickly ran up to the President and anxiously whispered something in his ear. The President firmly nodded his head and corrected himself saying “I meant enemy combatant. Anyhow, we must make it clear to the terrosaurists that aiding and abetting terraformists is terraflorism.The Constitution is a te:rawr:ist because it gives terROARists this 'due process', it should be called “die process” because it hates our freedoms and way of life. I’m also sending the Supreme Court to Gitmo for aiding and abetting the Constitution by interpreting it, which means that it also aids and abets terrorism.”

The Supreme Court had nothing to say because it had already been arrested and sent off to the Cuban military facility in a brown paper lunch bag along with a peanut better and jelly sandwhich which was promptly thrown in the trash, a Polly-O string cheese which was traded for a fake tattoo of a rare Yu-Gi-Oh card, and two rolls of Fruit-By-The-Foot which were the things packed by mommy that were actually eaten.

The American Civil Liberties Union, which has chosen to represent the Constitution in a imaginary court, has vowed to fight the administration’s decision, arguing that detaining the Constitution is unconstitutional.

Vice President Dick Cheney, speaking from his summer home, responded by pointing out that the Constitution couldn’t invoke constitutional rights because it would “support the terrorists.” He promptly fired a gigantic laser beam at Kevin Bacon who was connected to Al Qaeda through at least six different degrees.

British filmmakers announced yesterday that they will be documenting the journey of the Constitution from a mild-mannered American who loved hanging out with the founding fathers and pissing off Republicans into a radical baby-gnarling zombie-infested ideologue who runs around in between the prayer lines during ruku and deserves to be punted out of the Masjid like a football. They have decided to call the movie “Road To Guantanamo 2: Revenge of the Sith (and by Sith we mean Dick Cheney).” The film will undoubtedly cast shocking images based on real life events such as the Constitution in an orange jump suit being beaten in a cagematch by Hulkamania. Another graphic event that might be portrayed in the movie could be about how the Constitution was attacked by vicious guard dogs and military police responded by having salt poured into its open wounds causing him to melt like a slug. The movie might also show the riot that ensued after a Constitutional amendment, a text religiously revered mostly by liberal hippies, being thrown and flushed down the toilet. Perhaps the most horrifying event to be displayed in the movie will be in regards to when the Constitution was locked up in solitary confinement with flashing lights and repeatedly forced to listen to K Fed’s “Lose Control”. This last event resulted in the Constitution being hospitalized and made nearby baby unicorns cry blood.

Later this month, the “Articles of Confederation” will be sworn in as the new governing legal document. This event will be followed by an after-party commemorating “The Victory of the South Against Northern Aggression”. A separate “after-party” will be held for Muslims and Arabs at “Club Abu Ghraib” (No Need To Dress to Impress, in Fact, No Need to Dress at All, But Everyone Must Bring Their Own Bags).

Sony Unveils PS3 Game

MACHINE CITY, The Matrix - Earlier today, Sony unveiled its new gaming system, the Playstation 3. The PS 3 contains many of the same features as the earlier Playstation systems, but now comes with wireless web, a DVD player, an internal George Foreman Grill, and diabolical weather control. Aside from Dick Cheney who was heard whimpering “gimme gimme gimme!” at the mere mention of diabolically controlling the weather, most of the audience expressed their curiosity as to which game would accompany the system when it would be made available for sale later this month. During the question and answer session, Alfred Smith, from Minneapolis, Minnessota stood up and asked “Which game will accompany the new system?” Other members of the audience (which was comprised mostly of obese teenagers, scientologists, and unemployed Rastafarians) echoed his sentiments as excited whispers filled the room.

Arnold T-1000, the half-human half-machine founder of Sony, fired bolts of lightning into the air to silence the murmuring crowd. He shouted “Fools! Behold the power of cheese!” while the lights dimmed and a screen came down from the ceiling. An old woman's head exploded in anticipation of the preview of the game. Or maybe it was just Dick Cheney being diabolical again. Regardless of the cause of the old women's sudden loss of level headedness, frankly speaking, we at the Mox News Flash don't really care about old people anyway.

The opening cinematic scene shows a little Muslim boy running into a Masjid as an Islam-o-fascist chases after him. After the sequence ended, the title of the game appeared in bold letters: “Grand Theft Masjid.”

The concept of the game is modeled off the highly successful “Grand Theft Auto” game developed by the Rockstar company. However, instead of stealing cars, players must steal the shoes of people attending salatul jumaah while avoiding the Mutawaa – the heavily bearded religious police armed with highly reflective sunglasses and bid’a blasters.

The game begins in the parking lot of the Masjid where the main character is tasked with obnoxiously parking his taxi cab in an attempt to create a gridlock so horrendous, no one in a 400 mile radius will be able to move. After successfully pissing off 80% of the local population, players must direct their character to run into the masjid while avoiding confrontations with angry Pakistanis who will be late to work at gas stations all across the country. Upon entering the Masjid, one must steal as many shoes as possible while stuck in the midst of hairy, smelly men pushing and shoving each other around while heading nowhere.

The next level occurs in the bathroom. Players must deftly maneuver around the dirty Masjid bathroom while hopping around in two left sided non-matching slippers. The objective of this level is to try and find a stall that is not doused in urine and fecal matter. Players only have two minutes to accomplish this near-impossible feat before all the breathable air in the bathroom runs out and the character succumbs to the noxious gas emanating from the hordes of people constantly making and breaking (mostly breaking) their wudhu. If the character dies during this level, his body is immediately snatched up by the Mutawwa and taken to the kitchen where his corpse is diced up into bits and put into biryani that will be served at the upcoming fundraising dinner.

If players survive the Masjid bathroom, they still have to make it in time to pray four rakaats before a boy, whose voice sounds like he's finally reached puberty, issues the adhan. After this, players must sit through the Imam’s khutbah without falling asleep. After the khutbah is over, players must run out of the room before the announcements are made by an incoherent Arab man or they’ll be stuck in the game forever and forcefully conscripted into the Tableeghi Jamaat. This part of the game is truly interactive because the Tableeghi Jamaat will actually jump out of the TV screen and ask you to come with them for forty days repeatedly until you succumb. No we're serious. You're screwed for life if you die in this game. These guys dont' take "no" for an answer (although they will take first born sons, jews, and expensive Picasso paintings as acceptable substitutes).

The most challenging level of the game by far occurs in the darkest, gloomiest, coldest depths of the masjid known as "The Dungeon" (affectionately termed "The Sister's Quarters" by the Masjid Board). In addition to being a prison cell for sisters convicted for the crime of being born female, this area of the Masjid also serves as a vacuum cleaner closet, a garbage disposal, and a gateway leading to the seventh circle of hell. The first challenge in this level is for players to enter quietly in order to order to avoid getting spiked in the face by sisters wielding high-heeled shoes while screeching "We can't hear the Imam!" The next challenge in this mission is to tell them that the khutbah has been over for four hours and they are getting evicted into the street in order to make room for the brand new brother's entertainment room which is comprised of a jacuzzi, tiki bar, and Playstation 3 entertainment system. If the sisters don't rip the character to shreds, he escapes the Masjid and is forever free from the Mutawwa, the Tableeghi Jamaat, and uncles that demand you place some funds into their kufis-turned-donation-boxes.

There are many other levels in the game, but we don't want to spoil the entire game for you.

Weapons featured in the game include shoes, miswak, bid’a blasters, shirk shooters, kufr cleavers, and prayer rugs laced with barbwire.

This game has been rated “M” for "Makruh" by the Saudi Gaming Association and "A" for "Astaghfirullah ul azeem, la hawla wala quwatta ill billah" level of harmness by the Hardcore Hanafis of Houston Gaming Association.