Jack Straw Calls for Integration . . . Again

LONDON, United Kingdom - Jack Straw, a leader of the House of Commons and high-ranking official in Prime Minister Tony Blair’s government, is at the center of another cultural controversy. Earlier this month, Mr. Straw made headlines worldwide when he complained that veils worn by Muslim women fomented divisions between Muslims and non-Muslims in England.

Yesterday, he repeated his calls for Muslim women to "take their niqabs off, spin it a round their heads, like a helicopter" during a press conference where he candidly also called for clowns to “abandon their silly costumes and integrate just like the rest of us". While sipping on a slurpee through his namesake, the British politician passionately declared “For centuries, clowns have been an insular minority in this country. They dress differently, talk differently, and they look funny. Clown costumes are a veil of separation between clown minorities and mainstream Britons” he said. “Plus, they scare me with their fake noses, wigs, and make up. It reminds me of the terrible times this country went through during the 80’s when fashion tastes reached an all time low. What was up with Boy George’s hair? It was a weapon of mass destruction. Anyhow, the point is, clowns are evil Christ-killers who hate our freedoms.” To illustrate his utter hatred towards clowns, Mr. Straw issued an order to a military officer who promptly nuked Clownistan, also known as "Bollywood" in common parlance.

Clown organizations all across the country expressed their disapproval of the politician’s comments. A few hours after the press conference, the Clandestine Insurgent Rebel Clown Army ("Al-Clowniroun" in Arabic), held a protest in front of Parliament in a gigantic red tent. For the most part, the demonstration was peaceful as protestors chanted “Jack Straw is a coulrophobic.” It wasn’t until a few of the more radical clowns pumped their fists in the air and shouted “Clown Power!” that police intervened and began spraying the demonstrators with tear gas through flowers pinned in their suits and began making arrests. Some clowns were seen being chased by police dogs, lions, tigers, and bears. An on looker shook her head as she uttered “Oh my!” in disgust. A clown wearing a cowboy hat was killed after being chased by a raging bull which threw him in the air with its horns.

During the MTV Clown Awards last night, Sad Eyes, leader of the human rights organization “Insane Clown Posse”, shocked viewers when the former quietly said “Jack Straw hates clown people.” Michael Myers, his co-host, swiftly responded by knocking him upside the head with a mallet.

Across the Atlantic, White House spokesman Tony Snow refused to address a reporter’s question as to whether George Bush would have to integrate into mainstream British culture. After he expressed the Bush administration's support for clown integration and clownicide, he was asked by a New York Times Reporter "Does this mean President Bush will have to integrate as well? I mean . . . c'mon . . . even without the make up . . . he kinda looks and talks like . . . a . . you know . . .you know a . . . clown." After pressing a red button which caused the ground to open up from beneath the reporter causing her to plummet into a den of man eating ligers, Mr. Snow said“Although we support the War on Humor and the British desire to eliminate comedy and make the world a dry and bitter place, they have no jurisdiction over the United States. We respect their sovereignty and expect them to respect hours and will continue to support them in torturing and killing clowninists. We’ll smoke them out of their circuses or rodeos, wherever they may be. Besides, President Bush isn't wearing a clown costume . . . thats all real.”

In a related note, radical Muslim cleric Shaykh Babba Ganoush angrily demanded that Mr. Straw "quit clowning around." In an e-fatwa that was uploaded to his myspace page next to depressing and melodramatic emo poetry, Shaykh Gannoush wrote: “Retards like Straw need to stop being ass clowns and integrate with normal, non-idiotic people.” The Shaykh was immediately arrested by M 16 agents, placed into a gigantic green canon, and fired across the British Isles into France, along with some other famous clowns.