Bush Expands Definition of “Enemy Combatant”

Earlier this week at a press conference in Washington D.C., U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced that the federal operation known as “Falcon III” had successfully arrested over 20,000 fugitive felons. Federal agents nabbed 971 convicted sex offenders who had failed to register with local authorities, 364 gang members, 218 rappers, 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 17 Duke football players, 3 French hens, 2 turtle-doves, and a congressman stuck in a pear tree with an underage page. Mr. Gonzales praised the efforts of U.S. Marshals stating “We haven’t done such a mass round up of human beings since the Nazis!” He proceeded to give them all two thumbs up. Roger Ebert, ululated in his native tongue and gave it two blubbery appendages down. The Attorney General shot him with a tazer and said “Alright folks, lets get these guys some soap and vaseline and send them on their merry way. Andale! Arriba! Arriba!”

Civil rights organizations all across the country immediately began scrutinizing the list, termed "The Schindler's List", for human rights violations. John Babbit, the Executive Director of Human Rights Watch, made a stunning finding. In a phone interview, he explained his discovery. “I obtained a copy of the list of fugitive felons from the Justice Department and began making rounds to the various prisons which were housing the arrestees when I noticed an ancient parched document being used as toilet paper. On closer inspection, I was shocked to discover that this document was the Constitution! I immediately called up Attorney General Gonzales and demanded an explanation. He told me that President Bush was going to address this issue later tonight.”

Later in the evening, the President indeed appeared. “My fellow Americans, tonight I come before you to explain some recent actions that I as dictator-for-life, I mean Commandante-in-Chief, have taken. Recently, it has come to my attention that the Constitution contains this little clause in the 4^th, 5^th, and 6^th amendments that have come to be termed as . . . how you say . . . 'due process'. Although this due process might seem rather innocent at a first glance, my dashing powers of perception have found out . . . that they give people certain rights! Things like . . . right against self-incriminalization, right to an attorney, right to a fair trial, and so on. What’s worse is that the Constitution has been giving these so-called 'rights' to Terra-ists which is definitely 'aiding and abetting' them. It is for this reason that I am sending the Constitution to Guantanamo Bay as a 'combatant’s enema'.” He paused for a moment as a secret security agent quickly ran up to the President and anxiously whispered something in his ear. The President firmly nodded his head and corrected himself saying “I meant enemy combatant. Anyhow, we must make it clear to the terrosaurists that aiding and abetting terraformists is terraflorism.The Constitution is a te:rawr:ist because it gives terROARists this 'due process', it should be called “die process” because it hates our freedoms and way of life. I’m also sending the Supreme Court to Gitmo for aiding and abetting the Constitution by interpreting it, which means that it also aids and abets terrorism.”

The Supreme Court had nothing to say because it had already been arrested and sent off to the Cuban military facility in a brown paper lunch bag along with a peanut better and jelly sandwhich which was promptly thrown in the trash, a Polly-O string cheese which was traded for a fake tattoo of a rare Yu-Gi-Oh card, and two rolls of Fruit-By-The-Foot which were the things packed by mommy that were actually eaten.

The American Civil Liberties Union, which has chosen to represent the Constitution in a imaginary court, has vowed to fight the administration’s decision, arguing that detaining the Constitution is unconstitutional.

Vice President Dick Cheney, speaking from his summer home, responded by pointing out that the Constitution couldn’t invoke constitutional rights because it would “support the terrorists.” He promptly fired a gigantic laser beam at Kevin Bacon who was connected to Al Qaeda through at least six different degrees.

British filmmakers announced yesterday that they will be documenting the journey of the Constitution from a mild-mannered American who loved hanging out with the founding fathers and pissing off Republicans into a radical baby-gnarling zombie-infested ideologue who runs around in between the prayer lines during ruku and deserves to be punted out of the Masjid like a football. They have decided to call the movie “Road To Guantanamo 2: Revenge of the Sith (and by Sith we mean Dick Cheney).” The film will undoubtedly cast shocking images based on real life events such as the Constitution in an orange jump suit being beaten in a cagematch by Hulkamania. Another graphic event that might be portrayed in the movie could be about how the Constitution was attacked by vicious guard dogs and military police responded by having salt poured into its open wounds causing him to melt like a slug. The movie might also show the riot that ensued after a Constitutional amendment, a text religiously revered mostly by liberal hippies, being thrown and flushed down the toilet. Perhaps the most horrifying event to be displayed in the movie will be in regards to when the Constitution was locked up in solitary confinement with flashing lights and repeatedly forced to listen to K Fed’s “Lose Control”. This last event resulted in the Constitution being hospitalized and made nearby baby unicorns cry blood.

Later this month, the “Articles of Confederation” will be sworn in as the new governing legal document. This event will be followed by an after-party commemorating “The Victory of the South Against Northern Aggression”. A separate “after-party” will be held for Muslims and Arabs at “Club Abu Ghraib” (No Need To Dress to Impress, in Fact, No Need to Dress at All, But Everyone Must Bring Their Own Bags).