Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Universe Implodes: Or Maybe That Was Just Your Head

EVERYWHERE, USA - Many people woke up on Wednesday morning expecting some degree of normality, but would soon to discover a series of fortunate events. Socks were found matching without holes, Bill O’Reilly converted to Islam, women actually started making sense in arguments about relationships; just a few of the bizarre indicators that something strange was afoot in the cosmos. As the day progressed, a smorgasbord of unexpected events unfolded.

First and foremost in this never-ending list of Microsoft upgrades to the Universe was the violent coup d’etat in the US legislature by the Democratic Party. Armed with votes that were still sizzling from the ballots and with absolutely no idea what the hell they were doing, the Democrats breached the Capitol’s perimeter on a gigantic pirate ship. They had their baseball caps turned to the sides and proudly displayed their flipped out depends and chanted “Guess whose back? Back again? Tell a friend.” But the Republicans weren’t going to go down quietly and put up a stiff resistance. In the beginning of their counter maneuver, they attacked the ideological footing of the Democrats by insisting their views would be supporting terrorists by engaging in this . . . how you say . . . “thinking process”. . . which they condemned as evil. When that failed to work, the Republicans drew out their secret weapon: Karl Rove. They fired the fattest man alive from the world’s biggest catapult and directly hit the Democrat’s pirate ship, sinking it and much of the free world, into the recesses of the Potomac. That wasn’t enough to stop the wave after wave of Democrats bravely putting their lives on line to fight for entry into the nation’s legislature. It was only a matter of time before the Republican army, consisting mostly of demons and girl scouts, caved in. The second they broke the Republican line, the Democrats began fighting over the booty: house and senate seats and those classy Corinthian-leather chairs. An air of sadness filled the country’s capital as the landscape revealed scores upon scores of bodies. Most of the dead apathetic young men who, when given the option by MTV to “Vote or Die”, chose the latter and performed mass ritual suicide in the streets.

The second indicator of massive change in the universe was the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Well, technically speaking, he didn’t resign, he was fired by President Bush since he’s the one who made the announcement. Mr. Bush stated that “A bigger, faster, stronger view” was needed to solve the innumerable debacles created by the Bush administration spanning the distance between Morocco and the outer rings of Saturn. The President praised Rumsfeld for his accomplishments during his term. “Donald, or Donald Duck as I like to call him, has done things that no other Secretary of Defense in American history has been able to accomplish. He’s brought our military into the 21st century through his hyperbolic time chamber training device, he’s taught many soldiers the fusion dance which bares a resemblance to the Macarena, and he’s single handedly managed to piss off every single human being on the face of the Earth. That last one is a tremendous accomplishment because I set the bar kinda high there with my war on terror. The American people still respect him as a person and just want to be friends, but sort of wanna keep their options open and see other Secretary of Defenses, the younger, sexier kind.” The rest of his words were drowned in the din of munchkin protestors who sang “Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead!”

Another surprise was the election of America’s first Muslim congressman, Keith Ellison, who won a seat in the House of Representatives. Islamophobes responded by throwing a vicious temper tantrum until they got tired, sat down, began sucking on their thumbs and whimpering for their mommy’s. Glen Back, a card carrying member of the “I Hate Muslims Because I'm a Redneck” Party and, coincidentally, commentator on CNN, interviewed Representative Ellison and asked him “I’m not saying you’re a terrorist, but if you were a terrorist, would you be a terrorist?” Representative Ellison responded that he was not a terrorist, but was cut off by Glen Back who began shouting “I KNEW IT! YOU’RE TOTALLY A TERRORIST! ONLY A TERRORIST WOULD SAY THAT! YOU ADMITTED IT ON NATIONAL TV! DIE! DIE! DIEEEEE!” Representative Ellison never lost his cool and quietly said “I think I’m going to support the ‘Use of Federal Funds To Go Back in Time and Abort Glen Beck’ fund.” We here at the Mox News Flash congratulate Representative Ellison and scream like teenyboppers every time we hear his name and hope he will sign our beards.

In the midst of these universal revolutions, there is one thing that clearly hasn’t changed: the Redskins. They still suck. That’s the one universal constant. The universe might explode or something, but the Redskins will still be there . . . somehow . . . someway . . . still sucking . . .like they always do.

1 comment:

Jamroll said...

“I’m not saying you’re a terrorist, but if you were a terrorist, would you be a terrorist?”

Hahahahahahahaha. Good stuff. :D