Sunday, November 26, 2006

ISNA Switches to Calculations for Matrimonial Services

CHICAGO, Illinois – The Islamic Society of Nothing Accomplished (ISNA) announced today that it would utilize its infamous “calculation method” for its matrimonial services. The “calculation method” first appeared last Ramadhan when ISNA issued a press conference and expressed its concern about the rising trend of Muslim unity and vowed to do everything in its non-existent power to stop it. A committee was formed which consisted of various Muslim intellectuals, scholars, and scientists, all of whom had advanced degrees in Uncle-ology. The committee formulated a very simple step by step program for determining the “sighting” of the moon to commence the beginning of the holy month:

Step 1: Find the Qu’ran and Sunnah

Step 2: Completely ignore it

Step 3: Use an 8-Ball to do Istikharah

Step 4: If the moon is actually sighted, accuse the people who sighted the moon of causing fitnah and causing fitnah is wrong because only ISNA has the exclusive right to cause fitnah.

The calculations which resulted from the formula created massive chaos all across North America as various communities were torn apart over whether to follow the Traditional method of moon-sighting as described in the Qur’an and Sunnah or to follow ISNA. Some Muslims opted to follow Saudi Arabia, which goes against the Qur’an, Sunnah, and what the magical 8-Ball told ISNA. The ensuing fighting that erupted in Muslim communities was so shocking that Sunnis and Shi’is in Iraq had to stop from their daily slaughter of each other to issue condemnations of ISNA’s policy. Adding to the confusion is the fact that some people are still waiting for the moon to be sighted.

After the chaos of the moon-sighting debacle, ISNA went back to work planning ways to destroy whatever vestige of Muslim unity remained. The committee of Uncleologists went back to work for two weeks straight and decided that they had a new way of applying the moon-sighting calculation. They hypothesized that the failure of the moon sighting (-1) multiplied with the failure of its matrimonial services (-1) would equal a positive success (+1) and thus redeem ISNA from its previous flops. With the frothing excitement of a crack addict visiting Baltimore, they proceeded to revamp their matrimonial services by abandoning the classical “sighting” method. For the purposes of marriage, the sighting method is actually two equally valid methods: local sighting and global sighting. Local sighting is based on an in individual observation of a potential rishta.

Under this method, potential spouses were judged on how close they resembled an albino.

The ideal spouse would be someone who was so white that they were actually transparent. The global sighting method looks at a potential rishta based on their country of origin. Under this method, young Muslims make their decision to marry someone based solely on the country of origin. Of course, such a method almost always devolves into inbreeding since people end up marrying their cousins. This might explain why all Punjabis look alike. Or at least why they have big noses. Or it could be because they genetically evolved large noses in order to steal the white man’s air, in which case we salute them.

The sighting method is not without its downsides. It has been directly attributed to an increase in blood pressure and celibacy in Muslim youth. One anonymous practitioner of the sighting method said “Matrimonial meetings with aunties suck. They look you up and down like you’re a slab of meat. I can’t be judgmental about others while aunties are judging me! It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever been through."

The moonsighting committee had its name changed to “F-1” for some reason that we still aren’t able to deduce. The committee incorporated immigrant Muslim computer scientists and mathematicians who were sick and tired of being rejected from American Muslim women who wouldn’t marry them using the “sighting” method because they looked, and smelled (mostly smelled) like fobs.

The calculation method is rather simple:

  1. If applicant is a doctor, Rishta score = Infinite Points
  2. If applicant works in IFSM, Rishta score = 4,000
  3. If applicant has an MBA, Rishta score = 300 (Sliding scale based on automobile brand)
  4. If applicant is a liberal arts major, Rishta score = -2930
  5. If applicant is a political science major, Rishta score = Astaghfirallah! (Go to al-Fatihah, go directly to al-Fatihah. You do not go to Masjid. You do not get Nikkah.)

ISNA plans on implementing its marriage calculation method into a computer program entitled Microsoft Shaadi V. 1.3. Like all other Microsoft programs, it is expected to fail almost immediately, just like every other attempt by ISNA to do something productive.

In conclusion, we advise the Muslim youth to stay away from the lobby scene and the matrimonial services that are being propagated by ISNA. In fact, we advise you to stay away from ISNA altogether. Load up on as much garlic, wooden stakes, and silver bullets as your monthly allowance can afford. In the event of an ISNA representative coming your way, immediately call the UCPD and tell them that there are Muslims in the library again. It'll be like the running of the bulls . . . except instead of bulls . . . you'll have cops . . . with tazers . . . and the singing flesh of ISNA. Remember, only you can prevent fitnah fires.


Anonymous said...

"Go to al-Fatihah, go directly to al-Fatihah. You do not go to Masjid. You do not get Nikkah."


Anonymous said...

Why do you waste your time writing such things?

Jinnzaman said...

We write these things in order to provide valid criticisms through humor and satire.

Veiled Muslimah said...

hahhaha good one. I really like the aunty match/colour diagram. lol.


Anonymous said...

I agree that these postings provide valid criticism...but mocking others shouldn't be the way to produce humor.

Gunner said...

of course it should be, without criticism of others, we'd be stuck criticizing that isn't much fun is it? no. it isn't.

anyways, great article

Anonymous said...

Why are you condemning ISNA so harshly? This is not comedy, it's mockery and insult. You say ISNA loves creating disunity? The same ISNA that brings in thousands upon thousands of various Muslims to their conventions year upon year and plenty of great north american shuyukh and scholars (most of all who attend being mainstream Muslims)? Their lobby scene was pretty much non-existent this year, but you evidently wouldn't know because obviously you are boycotting them. Is boycotting your fellow Muslim brothers and sisters on the grounds that they are creating disunity a valid way to create unity?

Joke all you want. Alot of your satire is funny and intellectually stimulating. However, I don't know exactly where you studied Islam or for how long, but I can assure you that ISNA's Fiqh Council has legitimate scholars who are looking at the evidences and making their decisions with knowledge. You say they have abandoned Qur'an and Sunnah, which is a grave accusation and to even joke about such a thing is outrageous. There are etiquettes when joking, bro. The Prophet (saw) used to joke around and stuff, but he also said never to lie, even in a joke. And indeed, it is a lie to say that they are not following Qur'an and Sunnah. If you really think they are not following Qur'an and Sunnah, then you have just proclaimed kufr on them, and as your brother in Islam, I want to remind you that when anyone calls someone a kaafir, either the person accused is really a kaafir or the person who made the accusation is a kaafir. This is serious stuff, man. Don't let your light-hearted humor keep you from what is just and proper. Allah in the Qur'an condemns people to Hell who make fun of His books and His messengers and His believers.

Just be careful how far you take this criticism... We might live in the West and enjoy "freedom of speech," but we are still responsible to our Lord at the end of the day for everything we say and do. Remember the words of the Prophet (saw) that a Muslim is a person who you are safe from [the harm of] his hands and his tongue. Also remember, that anyone who can guarantee the purity/safety of the two body parts, namely the private parts and the tongue, can be guaranteed Paradise.

I urge you, be responsible with your tongue (or your fingers that type these messages). It might be funny, and other Muslims might enjoy it, but would the Prophet laugh if he read something like this? Do you think Allah would be pleased with you on the Day of Judgement for the things you have said in this article?

Sorry for all the criticism; it's just that everybody needs a reminder every now and then. Keep up the good work, though. You have plenty of potential for great good, if you so choose to use the wisdom endowed to you by Allah to achieve it.

May Allah bless your efforts, and the efforts of all Muslims and non-Muslims who are working towards returning to their Lord with Him pleased with them and they pleased with Him, and may Allah guide us all to what is best and most pleasing to Him.

Mujahideen Ryder said...

The Fiqh Council members don't even agree with some of there own decisions. Why don't you ask some of the Fiqh Council members?

SubhanAllah. ISNA's most popular speaker is Shakyh Hamza and then prob Imam Zaid, who both disagree with this. Shaykh Hamza even wrote a whole 50+ page report on the whole issue of moon sighting.

I think Dr. Jackson is on the Fiqh Council, maybe you should ask him of his views on the moon sighting. You will see that it is no different then that of Shaykh Hamza's.

Are you shocked now? Wait there is more.

In the history of this moon sighting issue, the apporach of the Fiqh council is totally new in the entire world. You would think of all the great scholars of the past including the 4 great imams and the hadith scholars would have come across it. There were calculating methods back then for the moon sighting business, but still we did not stray from the Qur'an and Sunnah.

Take note, this is not a madhabi/sufi/salafi issue, becuase they all agree, its more of a tradtional/modernist view.

May Allah (swt) guide us all on the straight path and protect us from the shaytan. Ameen!

Forgive me if I have said anything wrong.


Danya said...

Assalamu alaikum,

Br/Sr anonymous... I do see where you are coming from. It is true, ISNA does unify the Muslims in many aspects, but it is really undeniable that the moonsighting did create fitna. What's worse is that you have laymen who started to back up their "fixed calendar" argument with ISNA's fatwa. The fiqh council is not an authoritative body of scholars. I went to ISNA's website to see where these people studied and compared to the scholars who disagree with the fatwa, it was quite lacking. Some biographies did not even mention a place of study.

I do partly agree with your criticism of the author's mockery, but at the same time, many people would not even read valid criticisms unless it were funny (since we have short attention spans) so I think this is just a way to get these ideas out to the masses. I've tried to address many of these problems, but most people don't care-- sometimes you have to present it in a way that they'll listen. I know the author and I know if given the chance to help remedy the situation, he would offer a great deal of solutions.