Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Sony Unveils PS3 Game

MACHINE CITY, The Matrix - Earlier today, Sony unveiled its new gaming system, the Playstation 3. The PS 3 contains many of the same features as the earlier Playstation systems, but now comes with wireless web, a DVD player, an internal George Foreman Grill, and diabolical weather control. Aside from Dick Cheney who was heard whimpering “gimme gimme gimme!” at the mere mention of diabolically controlling the weather, most of the audience expressed their curiosity as to which game would accompany the system when it would be made available for sale later this month. During the question and answer session, Alfred Smith, from Minneapolis, Minnessota stood up and asked “Which game will accompany the new system?” Other members of the audience (which was comprised mostly of obese teenagers, scientologists, and unemployed Rastafarians) echoed his sentiments as excited whispers filled the room.

Arnold T-1000, the half-human half-machine founder of Sony, fired bolts of lightning into the air to silence the murmuring crowd. He shouted “Fools! Behold the power of cheese!” while the lights dimmed and a screen came down from the ceiling. An old woman's head exploded in anticipation of the preview of the game. Or maybe it was just Dick Cheney being diabolical again. Regardless of the cause of the old women's sudden loss of level headedness, frankly speaking, we at the Mox News Flash don't really care about old people anyway.

The opening cinematic scene shows a little Muslim boy running into a Masjid as an Islam-o-fascist chases after him. After the sequence ended, the title of the game appeared in bold letters: “Grand Theft Masjid.”

The concept of the game is modeled off the highly successful “Grand Theft Auto” game developed by the Rockstar company. However, instead of stealing cars, players must steal the shoes of people attending salatul jumaah while avoiding the Mutawaa – the heavily bearded religious police armed with highly reflective sunglasses and bid’a blasters.

The game begins in the parking lot of the Masjid where the main character is tasked with obnoxiously parking his taxi cab in an attempt to create a gridlock so horrendous, no one in a 400 mile radius will be able to move. After successfully pissing off 80% of the local population, players must direct their character to run into the masjid while avoiding confrontations with angry Pakistanis who will be late to work at gas stations all across the country. Upon entering the Masjid, one must steal as many shoes as possible while stuck in the midst of hairy, smelly men pushing and shoving each other around while heading nowhere.

The next level occurs in the bathroom. Players must deftly maneuver around the dirty Masjid bathroom while hopping around in two left sided non-matching slippers. The objective of this level is to try and find a stall that is not doused in urine and fecal matter. Players only have two minutes to accomplish this near-impossible feat before all the breathable air in the bathroom runs out and the character succumbs to the noxious gas emanating from the hordes of people constantly making and breaking (mostly breaking) their wudhu. If the character dies during this level, his body is immediately snatched up by the Mutawwa and taken to the kitchen where his corpse is diced up into bits and put into biryani that will be served at the upcoming fundraising dinner.

If players survive the Masjid bathroom, they still have to make it in time to pray four rakaats before a boy, whose voice sounds like he's finally reached puberty, issues the adhan. After this, players must sit through the Imam’s khutbah without falling asleep. After the khutbah is over, players must run out of the room before the announcements are made by an incoherent Arab man or they’ll be stuck in the game forever and forcefully conscripted into the Tableeghi Jamaat. This part of the game is truly interactive because the Tableeghi Jamaat will actually jump out of the TV screen and ask you to come with them for forty days repeatedly until you succumb. No we're serious. You're screwed for life if you die in this game. These guys dont' take "no" for an answer (although they will take first born sons, jews, and expensive Picasso paintings as acceptable substitutes).

The most challenging level of the game by far occurs in the darkest, gloomiest, coldest depths of the masjid known as "The Dungeon" (affectionately termed "The Sister's Quarters" by the Masjid Board). In addition to being a prison cell for sisters convicted for the crime of being born female, this area of the Masjid also serves as a vacuum cleaner closet, a garbage disposal, and a gateway leading to the seventh circle of hell. The first challenge in this level is for players to enter quietly in order to order to avoid getting spiked in the face by sisters wielding high-heeled shoes while screeching "We can't hear the Imam!" The next challenge in this mission is to tell them that the khutbah has been over for four hours and they are getting evicted into the street in order to make room for the brand new brother's entertainment room which is comprised of a jacuzzi, tiki bar, and Playstation 3 entertainment system. If the sisters don't rip the character to shreds, he escapes the Masjid and is forever free from the Mutawwa, the Tableeghi Jamaat, and uncles that demand you place some funds into their kufis-turned-donation-boxes.

There are many other levels in the game, but we don't want to spoil the entire game for you.

Weapons featured in the game include shoes, miswak, bid’a blasters, shirk shooters, kufr cleavers, and prayer rugs laced with barbwire.

This game has been rated “M” for "Makruh" by the Saudi Gaming Association and "A" for "Astaghfirullah ul azeem, la hawla wala quwatta ill billah" level of harmness by the Hardcore Hanafis of Houston Gaming Association.

3 comments:

ali qazi said...

lol, awesome

Noreen said...

I give it an "A" for Astaghfirulla ul azeem, etc.

Good job, otherwise.

the n

Anonymous said...

Maybe you should add "RM" to the ratings... "Restricted to Muslims only"