Shootings, Murders, Genocide Occur as Wii Becomes Available in the U.S.

In what has been termed the “greatest rise in criminal activity since the Prohibition”, Americans woke up
yesterday to a bloodbath all across the country following the release of Nintendo’s new gaming system, the Wii. This year, fanatical gamers came to department stores a few days early and set up camp. In their little makeshift tents, they stocked up on potato chips and red bull and spent their time worshipping robotic deities, begging them to expedite the coming of the game system that would save humanity by turning it into a bunch of mindless zombies. All was quiet on the Eastern front . . . until the games were released. That’s when all hell broke loose. Various gangs fell upon the seemingly unsuspecting gamers to steal their lunch money, give them wedgies, and snatch Wii’s wherever they could be found. Not all gamers submitted to such humiliation and, instead, put up a stiff resistance. One gamer went berserk and began knifing everyone around him within a 1 mile radius in the city of brotherly love, Philadelphia. Since he ended up killing a good deal of the population off, the homicide rate actually went down for change.

Even the watchful eye of the Best Buy mercenary team known as the “Geek Squad”, which was armed to the teeth with donuts, snazzy VW Beetles, and iPods, wasn't enough to prevent many people from being robbed by seedy toddlers and 30-year old unemployed fat men. Nintendo spokesman, Mary E. O lamented at these activities saying “If paramilitary nerd troupes are not enough to prevent these types of activities, we’ll have no choice but to call in a more intimidating military force. I’m thinking . . . UCPD . . . armed with Wii wand tazers.” Apparently, no one informed her that UCPD was already on the scene of many of the robberies . . . tazering people and stealing their Wiis then asking them to stand up and when they couldn’t because they were dead, they tazered them again.

The situation appalled the international community to such an extent that the United Nations set up refugee camps at Best Buys and Circuit City’s. Kofi Annan could not be reached for comment because he was too busy wildly gyrating his hands which were firmly clasped to two Wii wands in an effort to beat Hans Blitz’s highest score in a game developed by O.J. Simpson entitled “If I Did It” which is a game where players can assume various murderers in history who supposedly didn’t murder people, but if they did, they would’ve done it by stabbing them to death, hiding the bodies, fleeing from the police in a white Ford Bronco, confessing to the murder, and having their “dream team” of lawyers find loopholes in the justice system to get them out scot-free.

Perhaps the biggest let down of the entire slaughter was the Wii system itself. Gamers learned the hard way that Wii nunchucks weren’t effective against real nunchucks and real fists. They soon discovered that the wands only worked against bullets if they got the memory packs which won’t be released until 2012, when Nintendo finishes building its newest gaming system powered by nuclear energy.

In Palestine, protestors formed huge chains of human shields to protect their radical Islamist gamers from having their Wii systems stolen by Israeli helicopters. Those news stations that mistakenly reported the Israeli incursion as a legitimate attack against suspected terrorists apologized for their error and admitted that they were all working for the Zionist plot to control the world.